The change monster is coming to get me

This step parenting malarkey is tough work sometimes.
Our youngest just turned 6. (My fiancés daughter). She’s still quite young, still fairly fresh to divorced life (and having both her parents engaged to other people), so naturally it’s still a confusing time for her. Our 8 year old still wishes sometimes that life could go back to how it was and I was still with his mum. This is all natural.
Unfortunately my fiancé has a bad relationship with her ex-husband. He is not a person who can see the wrongs he has done in his marriage, and try to make life easy for everyone now. He’s also not the type of person who can put all his own shit aside and co-parent, for his daughter’s sake. He’s very much a 3 year old boy who wants what he wants, when he wants, how he wants it. When he arcs up, it’s like watching a toddler have a tantrum, but using swear words. Yes this may seem one sided, but in all honesty, I can say my fiancé has come leaps and bounds since we got together in regards to how she communicates with him. She has really embraced the concepts of co-parenting and providing the illusion to our daughter that everything is fine between them, but he keeps kicking down the walls week after week.
The latest debacle was him chucking a monster wobbly on her birthday, because face time wasn’t working and he demanded to see her in facetime, rather than just talk to her. Not for a moment did he entertain the concept of the phone networks having issues, or one of the phones involved needing a reboot. To him, it was her mother not wanting to let her facetime. So there she is, on her birthday, aware of her daddy going ballistic and swearing at mummy for something mummy had no control over.
For little miss, the emotions she feels manifests as her feeling very adverse to change. This all comes out as fear over new things, whether it’s an activity, food, mum leaving the room to go to the toilet, someone not being able to make it somewhere when they were expected, and all those types of things. On top of that, she feels guilt over relationships with other people, and liking things people do, food they make etc. So for example, she (with no prompting) often refers to me as dad, but then she will talk about how much she loves just mum and dad (as in – biological dad). Another example, we can be eating a bowl of soup and she will talk about how her dad or her Nan make the best particular soup of that type ever. She has this sense of loyalty that if she doesn’t make it out that mum and dad and their families are the best in the universe at everything, that life will come apart. I feel so sorry for her – she shouldn’t have to have such emotional tug of war at her age. Naturally I just try to support her and tell her I’m glad she enjoys it so much etc., and just pull her up if she’s actually saying it in a rude or offensive way.
I know there is nothing I can do here, it is the step-parents lot in life. I know simply by being consistent, and having her know I love her and I’m not trying to replace anyone, that eventually it should be smooth sailing (as smooth as it can be with kids anyway!).

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