Brain me damage-amage-amage.

I unfortunately have not been in a mindset to write for the past few days. Since my fiance’s car accident I have been working from home, looking after her 24×7, and it is our week where we have all the kids together. I can say categorically, I am exhausted. I am very glad it’s Friday, and I’m hoping Sunday we can have a pajama day. It’s due to be wet and rainy anyway, so hopefully board games, video games and movies will be on the cards for Sunday.

We have a family BBQ planned for Saturday for some time now. The kids are being very supportive and are going to help me be ready for it. My fiance is doing a lot better every day, but still very limited with her motion and has no energy. Recovering from such a serious accident takes a lot out of a person. It’s like her body has gone into power save mode, trying to redirect all her energy to healing.

I do have to admit, this has been one of the more trying weeks of our lives. The stress of managing ourselves, our emotions, finances, the kids, work and the future – it’s a hell of a lot. Thankfully the insurance company has been great and we know we will not be slugged with property repair bills from the power company or anyone else.

It’s times like this when you see the true side of a lot of people. We have had people reaching out constantly, offering support, understanding (e.g: a lot of people at my work), and general well wishing and following up to make sure my fiance is OK. It has been very sweet and definitely helps you feel less alone.

Our biggest worry this week has been the kids. We’ve had some of the kids not seem to understand the seriousness of the accident and injuries, which has resulted in some pain in the ass behavior, which of course is the last thing you need in a time like this. Our eldest daughter got overly worried, and I get the feeling she is maybe overly concerned still but I will keep tabs on her to make sure she’s OK. In a week or two, hopefully my fiance’s progress will ease her mind.

The kids of course, also don’t get the impact to our lives. The financial hit is massive, stress of dealing with recovery and all the admin relating to the accident, whilst managing our lives. It’s so hard to articulate to them without making them feel like they need to do something, or feel guilty for some reason. I’m also having to say no to some requests for time with me because I’m stressed, busy, or exhausted. Other times I’m killing myself putting a smile on my face and playing Basketball with them so they feel everything is normal.

I’m just trying to ride that fine line where I want them to understand, and try to be a little more helpful. I know we’re going to have to make it up to them once everything IS back to normal – find a way to say thanks for being such great kids through a hard time. We are so lucky, firstly that she survived without permanent injury, and secondly that we have such wonderful kids to help us get through this tough time.

Kill Your Idols

Ok so this posts topic is actually an awesome song by the band Static-X (RIP Wayne),  but it jumped to mind with how I’ve seen people act these last two days.

As you may or may not know (if you don’t, then follow me and read my other posts – go on, do it now!) I’ve spent the last day and a half in hospital with my fiancé who had a serious car accident. From the emergency room, through to the wards, I’ve had to bear witness to countless people denigrating nurses and doctors almost constantly.

It ranges from paranoid people with serious mental health issues who seem to think the staff are trying to kill them, to angry morons who feel like the staff are their punching bags and slaves, to just ordinary chumps who don’t get nurses aren’t the cause of their issues and are trying to help them.

It has made me feel frustrated and angry watching these disgraceful displays of self centred, entitled, rude behaviour almost constantly. The nurses are complete angels for how they put up with it, even when I can see they are pulling long shifts, getting bugger all sleep and coming back to do it again.

I know people take their problems out on those we love, but as a society people seriously seem to have the mentality that if someone is in employment which sees them helping or serving people, that the person is automatically beneath them and deserves contempt. I cannot stand this attitude. You see it with waiters, checkout staff, charity collectors etc. People with no right, feel they DO have the right to treat these workers like they are beneath them.

Of course nurses are human beings with feelings and no matter how well they hide it, you can see after every interaction with one of these people they are less inclined to pay attention the next time, which makes the aggressors even worse because they start feeling justified that they aren’t getting the attention they fed they warrant (with their Queen of England complexes). This sends them on a spiral where it just gets worse for everyone involved and everyone around them.

All in all, it takes a special person to be a nurse, and to not be an asshole. To be honest I don’t think I’ve encountered a nurse to date who may have even been gruff to me, but didn’t end up being nice when they realised I was giving them the courtesy and respect they are due.

So, the next time you want to take out your problems on someone, maybe think about why you are where you are and take some responsibility to behave like you would want to be treated. Remember their jobs are tough, they are often understaffed and over worked – and they are your mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers – they are humans with feelings who try damned hard to help the ungrateful all day every day. Gotta love em.

It Rains AND it Pours

In the Chinese zodiac it is the year of the rooster. I believe this may be inaccurate. It is more like the year of the festering boil. For the second time already this year, my beloved fiancé has nearly died again. This time, she was behind the wheel of her car which is now completely trashed courtesy of a head on collision with a power pole.  She is now laying in hospital with a fractured vertebrae. (Amazingly this was the worst of it).

Unfortunately she has amnesia of the events leading up to this, however it is highly likely she experienced a critical drop in blood sugar and effectively blacked out. If you haven’t read my post “near death experience”, go check it out to get a background in my fiancé struggle with type one diabetes.

This latest incident brings its own fresh batch of problems, including my fiancé losing her license because of the nature of the medical concerns about the accident, to us becoming a one car family with kids in 3 different schools, and with my fiancé being able to get to work once recovered. Due to the incredible nature of my beloved, I know she already feels large amounts of guilt over this, and I just hope she trusts my love for her and knows as long as she’s alive and with us, that is the most important thing.

We haven’t told the kids yet, they love their step-Mumtobe, and would worry incredibly. Hopefully she will be home by the time they come back to us this week, and can be bought up to speed whilst seeing she is ok. Rest assured we will take the necessary steps in our lives to try to make sure none of us have to keep worrying and that step-Mumtobe is around for the kids forever.

Oh and this is what happens to an iPhone in a back pocket in a car crash:

I wonder if Apple would believe it just happened like a Samsung exploding? 😛

EX-Cruciating Interactions

I’m going to put it out there to the world – I don’t particularly like my ex-wife, and yes, if I didn’t have to talk to her or see her again my life would be easier and happier. I can hear the “OMG’s” from everyone through the screen already. Yes, I’m voicing what I’m sure she thinks about me, and most of you other divorcee’s are thinking and feeling. It’s that part of us that exists, and we try to supress for the good of the children. It’s that part of us we feel we should be able to rise above, be forgiving, and be a better person. 

Bollocks to that. We can’t all get along in life, and there is a good reason you are divorced. Yep, I totally get there are some amicable divorced couples out there (and I am jealous, that’s awesome), but on the whole, most of us are out there putting the smile on the face and being the best role model we can for our children. Take it easy on yourself. Allow yourself to feel what you feel when the kids aren’t around to see it. If you don’t, it will eat at you and you will be more likely to arc up at something your ex says or does, because you supress it.

 

I think I am a pretty damned good Divorced Aussie Dad. I manage to keep my temper and attitude in check when dealing with the kids mum, I am able to be compromising, considerate, and even go out of my way to be generous and helpful when I can. In the long run, the kids will appreciate it – I am sure of this. I know the kids worry about how their mum and I interact, so I am always positive when I talk about her, and I always down play ANYTHING the kids feel might be “difficult” if it involves their mum and I interacting. I try to make them remember their mum and I have their best interests at heart and we will always do what we have to do for them. From what I can tell, I think the same thing mostly happens in reverse on her side too.

 

It doesn’t mean I don’t cringe when the phone screen lights up with her name. I still wonder what the hell I am in for when I see a text message, or even worse – a phone call (because it must be important if it’s not an email or a text). I try to not be defensive, and be open to what she wants to talk about. I think the two of us have that working well for the most part nowadays. If I know we have to interact in person (like have a chat when I drop the kids off, or turn up to a school thing), I want to run away. It is so uncomfortable, but of course I do it for the kids. I always make sure I am polite, force a smile, mind my P’s & Q’s and generally make it a pleasant experience for her and the kids. Of course, I’d rather be sitting in a corner gnawing my own arm off. It’s also extra hard because I can never predict the mood from her end. She can be happy and personable one time, and walk past me and barely acknowledge my existence in another. I don’t like the inconsistency, it adds tension, and I’m sure the kids notice it.

 

All in all, you can’t control others, only yourself. I figure if I display the same good behaviours consistently, the kids will grow up appreciating the effort (eventually!). I will never buy a Christian mentality of turning the other cheek, loving thine enemy and all that kind of rubbish. We DAD’s and DAM’s (Divorced Aussie Mum?? should there be an N on the end? hehe) are allowed to feel how we feel, and I do believe it’s healthier if we acknowledge this – but – we do need to be responsible parents, control our emotions and interactions with our ex’s for the kids’ sake. The easier and quicker interactions occur, the less time you have to deal with your ex in the long run anyway!

The Perils of the Sullen Teen

Today we have to go to my fiancés cousin’s baby’s baptism. As a heavy metal listening, anti-organised religion, mildly antisocial homebody, this is a daunting event which mean getting dressed up, going to a church (and hoping I don’t get struck by lightning), and dragging along 4 equally dressed up children who also have no desire to be in a church watching a religious ceremony.

Why don’t we just not go? Family. We love our families, and we are definite believers in putting your own discomforts or wants and needs aside for those you love. It’s about an hour out of our lives, to show family we care and help celebrate their beautiful baby. That being said, we have a teenager. Kill me now. He’s in that “I don’t want to do anything I don’t like” phase, which is compounded with the reality that he knows he’s old enough to stay home and look after himself.

Our blended family is quite new, and the extended family don’t know me and the kids very well yet. It makes it extra hard because right now we need to attend as much as we can, to be involved in family life, to integrate ourselves properly. Our new family are so wonderful too, they go out of their way to make us welcome and they get worried if we aren’t at an event. I have been so lucky to end up with such an amazing extended family. This does mean, our eldest needs to attend more than another teenager generally might be forced into – and I know he’s resenting me for enforcing it.

This is a challenge for blended family parents for sure – and it brings about a word I use a lot, because it’s so relevant – “balance”. Finding that balance of allowing a sullen teenager to stay home and play Xbox, vs forcing them to man up and do what’s right for their family. In this situation, at this point in time, the balance is tipped towards dragging him to more events.

I just have to hope he eventually understands why and doesn’t hate me in the meantime. We talk about the reasons why, and concepts of family and doing things for other people but, come on, he is a teenager for Christ sake. I can’t expect much from him can I? If he gets through the day without me having to kill him I’ll have to say a big thanks to him and try to make it up to him with some extra device time or something.

We apologise for this interruption in life due to technical issues

The phrase that makes me shake my head at myself in disgust, that I use on my kids regularly, is something along the lines of “When I was your age…”. I think it’s probably top of the list of things every parent hopes they will NEVER say. The context in which I use it the most would have to be in regards to leisure activities. “When I was their age..” we did have computers, VCR’s, Records/Tapes/CD’s, basic portable video games – some form of everything which they have today. The difference was, they were always a secondary concern. We grew up playing games with kids in backyards, or in the streets, riding bikes, skateboarding, playing sports, hanging out for hours, playing board games, Lego, swimming – fairly typical aussie kids.

Nowadays, looking at kids across the board (not just mine), kids in general just don’t do much of that anymore. There is a huge drive towards devices. It doesn’t matter what it’s for. It could be for watching stuff, playing games, chatting, general reading, browsing the internet etc. They even do colouring in, in apps, instead of on paper with texters (GRR!). With my kids, I find it’s totally mood dependent. They can happily ignore their devices and have a great time playing games or going outside to shoot hoops etc., but sometimes they just won’t get off the damned things unless I get cranky. Personally, I find the balance really hard. Their mother is extremely strict, almost a technophobe nowadays, and I find myself having to allow more leniency to devices in my house because I actually do disagree with her stance on device time. The problem being, I don’t like over-balance the other way. I desperately want to maintain a happy and healthy medium, which is really tough to do.

 

I also find myself thinking about the way the world is now, the benefits the additional communication with friends and family brings them, the skills they are gaining utilising technology (even if it’s playing a game), and I have to allow for this too. All of these factors at play, that balance is so tough. I have dedicated daily reading time they must do, and if I find they aren’t spending any time outside I’ll force the issue on that. I also encourage them to spend time on arts and crafts type activities but still, they are drawn back continually to the technology. I often wonder if it’s a losing battle.

 

I know a lot of their peers don’t have the same issues at home as I do. Many of them have multiple devices, games consoles, their own TV’s etc., and their parents are very flexible or completely free with the usage. That makes it hard on my kids, because they think I’m a hard ass old man living in the past. Anyway, right or wrong I think I will keep up trying to maintain the balance as best I can unless someone has brighter ideas. The one thing technology brings though, is obedience – MUWHAHAHAHA. I have to admit it’s a lovely carrot to dangle to bring bad behaviour back in line, or to ensure they do their chores before letting all their spare time be eaten up and saying “oh sorry I forgot”. Yes yes, I’m a mean old man, but at least someone else cleaned up the dog crap in the backyard or emptied the dishwasher so I didn’t have to 😛

St. Creditcard Day

Happy hallmark holiday everyone! It’s that time of year again, when flower prices increase by 200%, when you finally feel the Christmas financial stress dropping away only to realise the gods of love demand a sacrifice of flowers, cards, chocolates, dinners and anything else romantic and expensive. It’s the time when men dread hearing women ask “So, what did YOU get for Valentine’s day?”. That is not a conversation any man wants to be on the losing end of 😛 

I’m lucky, my fiance and I are the type of couple that talk about these things and decide what we want to do together. Last year, we opted to go away for the weekend, and we had the most amazing, peaceful, romantic time in the mountains just enjoying each other’s company. This year, we’ve swapped that for kids. Well, Valentine’s day has fallen smack bang on a Tuesday, and life doesn’t stop. We have kids, work, and a household to run. That being said, I’m sure we’ll do something belated in the form of date night, but to be honest we are the sappy type of couple that doesn’t need a specific day a year to show each other how much we love each other.

 

So, tonight will be a romantic meal of enchiladas, followed by making lunches, prepping for work and general cleaning, all topped off with a healthy dose of ass on couch time once the munchkins start heading off to bed. Would I like to go out for a romantic meal alone with her? Sure, but we wouldn’t trade time with the kids for anything.

 

I do, however, need to ensure the other loves of my life know how special they are. We have to pick up some of the rainbow roses for the girls. Especially in a blended household, I think it’s important the girls know mum/step-mum isn’t the only special lady around. The boys? They will be happy with some chocolate or a bowl of ice-cream, and some Xbox time 😛 Don’t cry sexist at me, you can’t help human nature!

 

Anyway, enjoy your hallmark holiday or Valentine ’s Day (depending how you look at it), but don’t forget to share that love more than once a year people.

Circus Freaks

Nothing tests your ability to juggle like a circus freak spinning flaming chainsaws through the air like a new school year. It’s amazing how quickly your life goes from relative normalcy day to day, to a creeping panic about managing everything and fitting everything in. First you get back into the logistics of day to day school needs (uniforms, lunches etc.), then it’s the school commitments (carnivals, sports etc.), then it’s the extracurricular sports coming back in, then all the school meetings and extra school items (parents nights, school photos), and the list goes on. 

Not to mention, you’re juggling the finances to make it all happen. In come the registration costs for sports and activities, new sports gear required, and the little extra bus fare money the schools charge for excursions etc. now. To make that even harder, you might have a household like mine, where you have to deal with not one, but two additional parents (my ex-wife and my fiancés ex-husband). Discussions around costs, authorisation for activities, agreements on who will do what and when. The logistics are so painful, and unless you’re one of those weirdo’s who remain friends with their ex-wife/husband, you really don’t want to be having all these chats either!

 

The good thing is when you have two divorced parents who want to do everything they can for the children, it does run a lot smoother most of the time. In my case I’m pretty lucky there. We tend to agree on a lot of things. My fiancé on the other hand, can often have a nightmare of a time just simply out of her ex-husband feeling the need to make things more difficult, because he can. You can’t win them all, but I guess it’s all about playing the long game and hoping eventually they come around and realise making things easier only benefits their child.

 

Personally, I learnt a long time ago the less conflict about the kids and their needs – the easier life is, and of course the key to it all – good communication. If you can communicate what’s going on in all aspects of the kids’ lives, and are able to discuss their needs and what each parent has to do to meet those needs, life is a lot simpler. Given the amazing amount of juggling we have to do just to get through a week, we need things as simple as possible!

GNfR Baby!

On Friday night my fiance and  went to see Guns N’ Roses “Not in this lifetime” tour. I’d bought her the tickets last year as an anniversary present since she’s a huge gunners fan. After many months impatiently waiting, the night finally came – and it was awesome. Seeing the band (mostly) back together, and performing most of the songs that our generation grew up on, was incredible. Neither my fiance or I had seen them live when we were younger so it was a first for us both.

We don’t get out to concerts usually. The cost of tickets here in Aus is quite high, support acts are often rubbish, and of course there is simply always better things to spend the money on when you have kids. Thank god I had an anniversary as an excuse to lash out on the tickets for her 🙂

There were actually a lot of kids at the concert, which as a parent had me both thinking “man these kids are cool!” and “wow, this is so inappropriate”. If you’re a gunners fan you know there is a shitload of swearing in their songs. We were near this one kid, who’s parents (like me) were seated the whole time and just enjoying the music, and he was up and head banging away. Coolest. kid. ever.

Seeing that, it got me thinking about how I always wanted at least one of my kids to be into metal like I am, but they all love the top 40 pop crap 😦 Thinking about this, I realised I probably gave them a disservice growing up by not exposing them to my music at an earlier age. Metal is very full on. Yes, the bulk of metal doesn’t involve swearing, but musically – there is a LOT going on and it’s an assault to the senses if you aren’t used to it. For a long time I would just let them listen to their mothers music / the radio, and would save my music for when I was alone. Thinking about that now I think I was wrong.

I think parents should expose their kids to much more musically, to broaden their experiences and open them up to what they might like, prior to our preconceived preferences start to pull at the kids. Yes, kids have minds of their own but there is no denying we as parents play a heavy influence on that.

One thing I’ve tried to give the kids is a tolerance for other peoples music tastes. As one of the only metal kids in high school, I was extremely ostracized for my music tastes. This carries on through life. People will happily listen to pop / hip hop songs about getting drunk on the weekend, partying, and having sex or forgiving a boyfriend for cheating on you, but put on a metal song about the atrocities of war, battling depression, political climates, or any other topical song – and people ask you to “turn that shit/noise off”. There is no tolerance for metal.

My eldest likes a lot of the guitar work in metal, and does now enjoy the song “Sweet Child O’ Mine” which makes him my sweet child, and the boys love “Victory Lap” by “All that Remains” so there is hope yet 🙂 Maybe his tastes will head that way like mine did at his age, or maybe not. If he can at least let people enjoy the music they love, I have to be happy with knowing he’s a good guy.

Food Wars

I think one of the greatest challenges of school life, is food. Trying to make sure your kids eat breakfast and lunch, and trying your hardest to make sure it’s at least semi healthy. 

Breakfast

In my household this is almost a dirty word to the older kids. The youngest two are great. They will happily throw down a bowl of weetbix, or have a sandwich (they are weirdly anti-toast). The sandwiches won’t exactly be healthy, maybe Nutella or peanut butter but I try to make sure it’s not a regular thing. Weekends are easier, they might enjoy some eggs, French toast, cheese and vegemite toast, stuff like that.

 

The older two are as much of a pain in the ass and as irritating as a bad case of hemarrhoids (I do NOT speak from experience with this metaphor!) when it comes to breakfast. The whinging, complaining, sighing, the “I don’t know”‘s, the efforts to avoid breakfast all together and leave the house on an empty stomach – it’s all so painful! They are unfortunately like me in one respect, we don’t like to eat when we first get up. I leave it around an hour or so between waking up with my magical morning coffee, and eating. The kids though, they take it to the extreme and would like to have breakfast around 11am. They might be convinced to chow down one measly piece of toast, or coerced into eating some yoghurt and a piece of fruit, and in their worse days they’ll try to go for the laziest thing possible – an “Up’n’Go”. My eldest recently discovered the joys of rye bread (which I eat) so now is generally having two pieces of rye with some peanut butter – not too bad.

 

Snacks

We have 3 different schools to contend with. Each of them has their different policies and agendas around food. This ranges from policies on nuts, to the acceptable containers you can bring, and because the youngest has just started so school – there is also sip’n’crunch to contend with (a mini break in the morning before recess where kids are lined up like battery hens to eat their fruit).

 

The kids go through their phases with fruit, so you never know what to stock. One week you never have enough bananas, the next you have a bowl of black banana like objects. Soooo frustrating. So you go for a cross section of fruits and pray they will take (and hopefully eat) what they like.

 

Then of course, there is general snacks. Our eldest has now gotten to the point he doesn’t bother with snacks, I think he’s too busy with his friends to bother with food (score!). The others still need that vast array of snacks ranging from healthy to crappy, and we have to try to regulate it as best we can, so sometimes they can have their crappy snacks as well (although I’m sure they’re having them way more than we’d like in an ideal world). Shapes, Cheese n crackers, dips, tiny teddies, pretzels, cucumber sticks (our eldest girl actually likes them sometimes). We have a damn box just filled with little packets in the pantry You can’t win here either because you buy something, they see it, then obsess on it and finish it all off. Then the next day of course, they complain there is none left and nothing else they want – grrr.

 

Lunch

The EASIEST meal of the day, and I will delude myself happily the kids are eating all their lunch each and every day (shut up all of you!). I’m a leftovers person. I like to cook so there will be leftovers. If it’s a meal the kids really enjoy, they will fight over the leftovers. The older three are actually more than happy to eat room temperature leftovers of most anything. Gotta love them for that. It’s an awesome feeling when my eldest for example, takes a container of stir fry veg and meat to school instead of some crappy sandwich (no chance of making properly healthy sandwiches filled with salad – screw you if your kids will eat that. </jealous>). I have to admit though, our eldest daughter is now foraying into the world of adding tomato and lettuce to wraps, so I’m proud there.

 

If they don’t go leftovers, or there aren’t enough, they are pretty easy with sandwiches – vegemite, cheese & vegemite, fritz and sauce (devon to you New South Wales types, and to overseas readers – some kind of sliced processed meat), tuna, ham & cheese etc. Each kid also takes a bottle of water which I keep cold in the fridge overnight. We definitely don’t think the kids need any flavoured drinks or soft drinks etc. for school.

 

We’ve been pretty lucky so far with school lunches and snacks. There is always school ‘politics’ around this stuff, where some kid gets heaps of junk, or cool lunches like sushi and other kids get jealous. We actually had once instance where a kid was being given macca’s to bring in for lunch (McDonald’s for you non-aussies). Thankfully my kids are smart enough to know that’s bloody terrible. In general, my kids don’t complain much about what other kids get so I love them for that.

 

I often read all these articles showing “healthy lunches” for kids, and providing recipes which “kids will love!” and I just laugh. If I tried to get my kids to eat these healthy lunch boxes there would be mutiny. I find recipes like “Sundried tomato, cauliflower and spinach muffins’ being sold as “hidden veg muffins the kids will love” a complete joke. My kids have taste buds, they aren’t the greatest fans of veg, and again – I’m walking the plank if I tried to usurp their BBQ shapes with a “hidden veg” muffin. I think I’ll settle for trying to get their veg in by way of the dinners I make, thank you very much. It all comes around in its own time anyway, as I mentioned above with my eldest boy taking stir fry’s, and eldest girl starting to experiment with salad in her wraps. Let them grow, but just keep them in check I reckon.